u know what's a really shitty feeling? struggling as you try and break off a piece of your (perforated... but thick) chocolate bar and ending up just squishing into the chocolate with your fingers. all your effort for naught as you stare at your now chocolatey fingers and still whole chocolate bar while your stomach grumbles sadly.
also, eating a bar of chocolate at 11:45pm.
--
this morning i had a screening interview for this job i reeeally want. so much so that i actually have pages on pages of notes and brainstorming for my interviews and so much so that i slept at 2am last night practicing how i'd say hello (?!!)
the screening interview lasted 13 minutes. my hello was awkward. the HR person started off by saying she's swamped today (eee). i still managed to say my piece. HR person kinda sorta said there's actually no role right now (???). we agreed to keep in touch.
i hung up (my bye was awkward too) and stared at myself in the mirror, perplexed at what had just happened.
--
*here i planned to embed a video for a song on my mind but, alas, my internet is going at slug on drug speed. so please listen yourselves*
bagbak- vince staples
coaster- khalid
replica- the xx
--
ps: finding little freakin chocolate crumbs here and there from my valiant effort (later solved by just biting into the damn chocolate bar). chocolate manufacturers, if you're reading this-- PERFORATE YOUR CHOCOLATE BETTER. we need some chocolate innovation.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Saturday, December 24, 2016
it's almost 3am and i cant seem to fall asleep.
most likely because i spent most of today being a lazy ass but also because i spent time scrolling through my news feed and ended up feeling so crushed by everything going on. my timeline is flooded with news about aleppo, the state of la's homeless population in the rain, deaths in peoples families, and heartbreak. of course, i'm also seeing engagements, babies, weddings, and happy news but, maybe its just me?, the negative things seem to be permeating the news these days (thinly veiled by the stupidity of the kardashians, trump, and other stupidass celebrity news).
what stood out in particular is the story of a little girl. i've been following the "brighter days" blog about 8 year-old ava lee who's battling her second round of a rare cancer and the latest post by her mom was one with bad news, alluding to the possibility that ava's days are down to the single digits. (of course) i ended up browsing and reading through almost all the posts, catching up on the ones i've missed and also curious to read from when they first knew. and maaan, my heart broke to pieces... i basically spent the past 2 hours weeping while reading through these lol. to read and learn of an EIGHT YEAR OLD that somehow understands the beauty of God's faith through hardships that far overshadow anything i've ever experienced is beyond humbling and, to be frank, a bit shameful for me. this child is facing death and going through unfathomable pain, yet she chooses to praise God. as a 24 year old, i don't consider myself that wise but i doubt God when the weather isn't what i expected. also my heart was torn to shreds reading all this through the lens of her mother. obvi i am not a mother so i wouldn't completely understand that kind of pain but to hear her thoughts is so heartbreaking. i appreciate that she is very candid and honest about her feelings yet somehow still reminds herself (and readers) that still, God is good. reading about her anger, her confusion, her sorrow makes me feel with her, it's refreshingly very human, yet when she remains positive to her best ability, i'm blown away. these moms are so brave, so strong to be able to praise God and share their hardships and grief to worship Him.
its nutty because after i read through those stories and with aleppo and all the other painful things going on in this world on my mind, i felt both ashamed of my perspective and also challenged to change my perspective. i feel like recently i've only been thinking of my own problems, all of which pale in comparison to everything else going on. i consider myself a relatively easygoing person, unphased by stress, but there are rare moments that i feel absolutely suffocated by my circumstances. yesterday, in particular, was one of those moments. i quit my job last month... because of various reasons, the biggest being that there was no room to grow but i'd also say that in the last few months while there, i felt confused about whether it was something i wanted to do for the rest of my life. it was comfortable, no doubt, but it felt very "useless" in the bigger scheme of things. now i'm unemployed and though i'm in no rush to get back to a mundane 9-whenever schedule, i hate not being able to help out my parents financially and i'm starting to get anxious that it'll be difficult to find work again. rejection after 3rd, 4th rounds of interviews have been leaving me feeling ridiculously insecure and the voice in my head uses that insecurity to latch on to all other areas of my life. it was to the point that i (dramatically) wondered what the point of my life on this world was at all. meanwhile, an 8 year-old child cries because she wants to live. why am i wasting the life that i'm so generously given binge watching tv shows and pushing off important to-dos? unfortunately, after all this, i have no answer to that question nor do i realistically think i will change tomorrow morning when i wake up BUT i do feel convicted and after having a chat with God, hope to take that changed mentality into the things i do during this period of unemployment. this blog will be a mental receipt of this conviction.
--
God, please be with and comfort those that are suffering, that are grieving, that are mourning. Lord, i specifically want to lift up ava lee to you. if your will is that she be with you, let it be done. your ways, although confusing and often times heartbreaking, are still better than our own selfish attempts and desires. help us to understand that. still, we pray for miracles and for mercy and for grace during these hardships, understanding that You are a good good father that loves us dearly. through these understandings, let the trials that you put us through be a fire that shapes us to be more like You.
most likely because i spent most of today being a lazy ass but also because i spent time scrolling through my news feed and ended up feeling so crushed by everything going on. my timeline is flooded with news about aleppo, the state of la's homeless population in the rain, deaths in peoples families, and heartbreak. of course, i'm also seeing engagements, babies, weddings, and happy news but, maybe its just me?, the negative things seem to be permeating the news these days (thinly veiled by the stupidity of the kardashians, trump, and other stupidass celebrity news).
what stood out in particular is the story of a little girl. i've been following the "brighter days" blog about 8 year-old ava lee who's battling her second round of a rare cancer and the latest post by her mom was one with bad news, alluding to the possibility that ava's days are down to the single digits. (of course) i ended up browsing and reading through almost all the posts, catching up on the ones i've missed and also curious to read from when they first knew. and maaan, my heart broke to pieces... i basically spent the past 2 hours weeping while reading through these lol. to read and learn of an EIGHT YEAR OLD that somehow understands the beauty of God's faith through hardships that far overshadow anything i've ever experienced is beyond humbling and, to be frank, a bit shameful for me. this child is facing death and going through unfathomable pain, yet she chooses to praise God. as a 24 year old, i don't consider myself that wise but i doubt God when the weather isn't what i expected. also my heart was torn to shreds reading all this through the lens of her mother. obvi i am not a mother so i wouldn't completely understand that kind of pain but to hear her thoughts is so heartbreaking. i appreciate that she is very candid and honest about her feelings yet somehow still reminds herself (and readers) that still, God is good. reading about her anger, her confusion, her sorrow makes me feel with her, it's refreshingly very human, yet when she remains positive to her best ability, i'm blown away. these moms are so brave, so strong to be able to praise God and share their hardships and grief to worship Him.
its nutty because after i read through those stories and with aleppo and all the other painful things going on in this world on my mind, i felt both ashamed of my perspective and also challenged to change my perspective. i feel like recently i've only been thinking of my own problems, all of which pale in comparison to everything else going on. i consider myself a relatively easygoing person, unphased by stress, but there are rare moments that i feel absolutely suffocated by my circumstances. yesterday, in particular, was one of those moments. i quit my job last month... because of various reasons, the biggest being that there was no room to grow but i'd also say that in the last few months while there, i felt confused about whether it was something i wanted to do for the rest of my life. it was comfortable, no doubt, but it felt very "useless" in the bigger scheme of things. now i'm unemployed and though i'm in no rush to get back to a mundane 9-whenever schedule, i hate not being able to help out my parents financially and i'm starting to get anxious that it'll be difficult to find work again. rejection after 3rd, 4th rounds of interviews have been leaving me feeling ridiculously insecure and the voice in my head uses that insecurity to latch on to all other areas of my life. it was to the point that i (dramatically) wondered what the point of my life on this world was at all. meanwhile, an 8 year-old child cries because she wants to live. why am i wasting the life that i'm so generously given binge watching tv shows and pushing off important to-dos? unfortunately, after all this, i have no answer to that question nor do i realistically think i will change tomorrow morning when i wake up BUT i do feel convicted and after having a chat with God, hope to take that changed mentality into the things i do during this period of unemployment. this blog will be a mental receipt of this conviction.
--
God, please be with and comfort those that are suffering, that are grieving, that are mourning. Lord, i specifically want to lift up ava lee to you. if your will is that she be with you, let it be done. your ways, although confusing and often times heartbreaking, are still better than our own selfish attempts and desires. help us to understand that. still, we pray for miracles and for mercy and for grace during these hardships, understanding that You are a good good father that loves us dearly. through these understandings, let the trials that you put us through be a fire that shapes us to be more like You.
Thursday, April 28, 2016
old men with lunchboxes
what is it about old men with lunchboxes that crushes my heart into fine heartdust? any time i'm driving and see an elderly man walking alone with a lunchbox in hand, i feel so so inexplicably sad. i feel moderately sad when i see elderly people alone anywhere but the combo of elderly + lunchbox is next level sadness. why can't i think of synonyms for sadness. i thought of using "depressed" but that just seems too dramatic.
anyhow, today i got off work a bit early and made a beeline out to downtown so i could beat traffic before comm group (this plan was a failure btw because i tried a new route which ended up kicking me in the ass and taking more time than necessary). i loove walking around aimlessly in dtla, such a luxury since i started working, and was walking along when i saw an old asian couple. the grandma was hustlin along quickly with 500% purpose while the grandpa trailed behind her. sidenote: what is it with asian women and leaving their men behind? anyyway, as i passed the grandpa i noticed he was holding something in his hand and, in a totally non-creepy way, i stared at him to see what it was. it was a box of "cheese sandwiches" (think ritz crackers) most likely from the whole foods down the street and the sight was weirdly endearing and heartbreaking to me.
as i walked away from them i started to wonder what their story was, how they ended up in america, why they were presumably living in downtown la by themselves. it's nuts to me that elderly asian people can make their way around los angeles via public transportation by themselves when many of my american born & raised friends are afraid to even step on a bus. and then i started wondering whether this man missed being young, thought about the days when he could walk without being hunched over. all to say, i guess i started to realize the grandeur of the age i am right now. i often find myself thinking i'm wasting what many consider the "prime" of my life. like-- i could be fitter, i could be more proactive, i could try more-- things like that. and i suppose that heartbreak i feel from seeing elderly people stems, in part, from the ache of knowing that everyone gets old and withers eventually.
& now i am sitting at the rooftop bar of the ace hotel writing about this weird revelation with a ridiculously pink drink in hand feeling all kinds of cliche but also reassured by the fact that i'm not as bad as most of the people around me. people watching is so prime here. i should probably leave soon. i'm honestly a little nervous about my car, which i sneakily left parked in the ralph's parking structure that has a broken gate and therefore does not enforce its time.
so that's that. good being back here, click clacking the thoughts that go through my mind to the 3 or so people that are still on here.
enjoy your youth ya'll.
anyhow, today i got off work a bit early and made a beeline out to downtown so i could beat traffic before comm group (this plan was a failure btw because i tried a new route which ended up kicking me in the ass and taking more time than necessary). i loove walking around aimlessly in dtla, such a luxury since i started working, and was walking along when i saw an old asian couple. the grandma was hustlin along quickly with 500% purpose while the grandpa trailed behind her. sidenote: what is it with asian women and leaving their men behind? anyyway, as i passed the grandpa i noticed he was holding something in his hand and, in a totally non-creepy way, i stared at him to see what it was. it was a box of "cheese sandwiches" (think ritz crackers) most likely from the whole foods down the street and the sight was weirdly endearing and heartbreaking to me.
as i walked away from them i started to wonder what their story was, how they ended up in america, why they were presumably living in downtown la by themselves. it's nuts to me that elderly asian people can make their way around los angeles via public transportation by themselves when many of my american born & raised friends are afraid to even step on a bus. and then i started wondering whether this man missed being young, thought about the days when he could walk without being hunched over. all to say, i guess i started to realize the grandeur of the age i am right now. i often find myself thinking i'm wasting what many consider the "prime" of my life. like-- i could be fitter, i could be more proactive, i could try more-- things like that. and i suppose that heartbreak i feel from seeing elderly people stems, in part, from the ache of knowing that everyone gets old and withers eventually.
& now i am sitting at the rooftop bar of the ace hotel writing about this weird revelation with a ridiculously pink drink in hand feeling all kinds of cliche but also reassured by the fact that i'm not as bad as most of the people around me. people watching is so prime here. i should probably leave soon. i'm honestly a little nervous about my car, which i sneakily left parked in the ralph's parking structure that has a broken gate and therefore does not enforce its time.
so that's that. good being back here, click clacking the thoughts that go through my mind to the 3 or so people that are still on here.
enjoy your youth ya'll.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
hello~ it's me
haven't written anything in a long time (actually, that's a lie, i've written a few drafts here and there but haven't finished anything in a long time).
a lot has changed, i guess.
im out of school.
i work full-time.
changing circles of friends.
[that wasn't parallelism and it's bothering me lol]
whenever people ask me how i'm doing these days, i reeally have to think to give them a not fluffy "fine thanks!" answer. honestly, working makes time fly and weeks are really starting to feel like minutes. after a week of work, i legit can't even remember what i ate for dinner the day before. it's nice though, i don't hate what i do and i'm always reminded that i need to be thankful to even have a job. like, after some shitty days of work, as i walk to my car feeling like doodoo, i suddenly think, dude, my job is pretty awesome. i'm so glad i don't work in a stuffy business-y cubicle job with a bunch of old snooty coworkers. and i loooove work so much compared to school. like i could never go back to school.
another thing that's changed, even just in the last few months, is my circle of friends. now that i work, i rarely see anyone aside from my coworkers and church friends. and my church friends are really the girls on the football team. it's pretty nutty how quickly i got close to some of those girls. i think people can look at my "group of friends" from church and cast a lot of judgement, esp in a church setting, but i'm always thankful for a group of friends that vary in age and career and lifestyle. always a learning experience. and we have fun.
another thing i've been noticing during this period of just quick living is that i don't really know where i'm at like mentally emotionally spiritually. i sometimes feel like i just get up and live and then go to sleep, and repeat. i hardly have time to think. i miss having lazy days just reading books and thinking of random things and rolling around. my thinking time has been limited to my commute to work. i guess this is my fear with the reality that work= the rest of my life. i'm scared i'm just gna become a boring robot. hoping that because i'm self-aware of this already, i can prevent it by actively taking time to just relax once in a while.
i sometimes think of random things i want to blog about. like how old men with lunchboxes make me sad or how im realizing that eyebrows are so crucial. but i will save them for another day maybe.
song of the moment--
kids - childish gambino
a lot has changed, i guess.
im out of school.
i work full-time.
changing circles of friends.
[that wasn't parallelism and it's bothering me lol]
whenever people ask me how i'm doing these days, i reeally have to think to give them a not fluffy "fine thanks!" answer. honestly, working makes time fly and weeks are really starting to feel like minutes. after a week of work, i legit can't even remember what i ate for dinner the day before. it's nice though, i don't hate what i do and i'm always reminded that i need to be thankful to even have a job. like, after some shitty days of work, as i walk to my car feeling like doodoo, i suddenly think, dude, my job is pretty awesome. i'm so glad i don't work in a stuffy business-y cubicle job with a bunch of old snooty coworkers. and i loooove work so much compared to school. like i could never go back to school.
another thing that's changed, even just in the last few months, is my circle of friends. now that i work, i rarely see anyone aside from my coworkers and church friends. and my church friends are really the girls on the football team. it's pretty nutty how quickly i got close to some of those girls. i think people can look at my "group of friends" from church and cast a lot of judgement, esp in a church setting, but i'm always thankful for a group of friends that vary in age and career and lifestyle. always a learning experience. and we have fun.
another thing i've been noticing during this period of just quick living is that i don't really know where i'm at like mentally emotionally spiritually. i sometimes feel like i just get up and live and then go to sleep, and repeat. i hardly have time to think. i miss having lazy days just reading books and thinking of random things and rolling around. my thinking time has been limited to my commute to work. i guess this is my fear with the reality that work= the rest of my life. i'm scared i'm just gna become a boring robot. hoping that because i'm self-aware of this already, i can prevent it by actively taking time to just relax once in a while.
i sometimes think of random things i want to blog about. like how old men with lunchboxes make me sad or how im realizing that eyebrows are so crucial. but i will save them for another day maybe.
song of the moment--
kids - childish gambino
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
boop~
Preface/ Disclaimer: I would like you all to know that I really do have better things I'd like to write about and more.. "refined" thoughts but either I never make time to actually invest in worthful blog posts or I feel more strongly about/ have auspicious timing with these random thoughts I have..
Anyways,
QUESTION OF THE DAY!
Why do people always wan't to ask "who farted?" when something smells?? Like, do they gain anything from knowing who it was that emitted a malodorous gas (from their ass)? How do they even know the smell is from a fart? For all we know it could've been a kimchi burp. But regardless of WHAT the smell is (which is possibly more important), why would you want to know who's guilty? Do they really think anybody would fess up after you've publicly announced it???
Possible answers that I've come up with:
1) Fart shaming-- let the fart-er take responsibility for his/her deed
2) Getting further away from POI
3) It's meant to be more like a "Did somebody fart?" but due to the statement in question's conciseness and active tense, perhaps it is the better option?
Will the world ever know..
--
Sidenote: I've realized that I "caps yell" a lot in many of my casual digi conversations. This is funny to me because I don't think I raise my voice very often in real life.
Anyways,
QUESTION OF THE DAY!
Why do people always wan't to ask "who farted?" when something smells?? Like, do they gain anything from knowing who it was that emitted a malodorous gas (from their ass)? How do they even know the smell is from a fart? For all we know it could've been a kimchi burp. But regardless of WHAT the smell is (which is possibly more important), why would you want to know who's guilty? Do they really think anybody would fess up after you've publicly announced it???
Possible answers that I've come up with:
1) Fart shaming-- let the fart-er take responsibility for his/her deed
2) Getting further away from POI
3) It's meant to be more like a "Did somebody fart?" but due to the statement in question's conciseness and active tense, perhaps it is the better option?
Will the world ever know..
--
Sidenote: I've realized that I "caps yell" a lot in many of my casual digi conversations. This is funny to me because I don't think I raise my voice very often in real life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)