it's almost 3am and i cant seem to fall asleep.
most likely because i spent most of today being a lazy ass but also because i spent time scrolling through my news feed and ended up feeling so crushed by everything going on. my timeline is flooded with news about aleppo, the state of la's homeless population in the rain, deaths in peoples families, and heartbreak. of course, i'm also seeing engagements, babies, weddings, and happy news but, maybe its just me?, the negative things seem to be permeating the news these days (thinly veiled by the stupidity of the kardashians, trump, and other stupidass celebrity news).
what stood out in particular is the story of a little girl. i've been following the "brighter days" blog about 8 year-old ava lee who's battling her second round of a rare cancer and the latest post by her mom was one with bad news, alluding to the possibility that ava's days are down to the single digits. (of course) i ended up browsing and reading through almost all the posts, catching up on the ones i've missed and also curious to read from when they first knew. and maaan, my heart broke to pieces... i basically spent the past 2 hours weeping while reading through these lol. to read and learn of an EIGHT YEAR OLD that somehow understands the beauty of God's faith through hardships that far overshadow anything i've ever experienced is beyond humbling and, to be frank, a bit shameful for me. this child is facing death and going through unfathomable pain, yet she chooses to praise God. as a 24 year old, i don't consider myself that wise but i doubt God when the weather isn't what i expected. also my heart was torn to shreds reading all this through the lens of her mother. obvi i am not a mother so i wouldn't completely understand that kind of pain but to hear her thoughts is so heartbreaking. i appreciate that she is very candid and honest about her feelings yet somehow still reminds herself (and readers) that still, God is good. reading about her anger, her confusion, her sorrow makes me feel with her, it's refreshingly very human, yet when she remains positive to her best ability, i'm blown away. these moms are so brave, so strong to be able to praise God and share their hardships and grief to worship Him.
its nutty because after i read through those stories and with aleppo and all the other painful things going on in this world on my mind, i felt both ashamed of my perspective and also challenged to change my perspective. i feel like recently i've only been thinking of my own problems, all of which pale in comparison to everything else going on. i consider myself a relatively easygoing person, unphased by stress, but there are rare moments that i feel absolutely suffocated by my circumstances. yesterday, in particular, was one of those moments. i quit my job last month... because of various reasons, the biggest being that there was no room to grow but i'd also say that in the last few months while there, i felt confused about whether it was something i wanted to do for the rest of my life. it was comfortable, no doubt, but it felt very "useless" in the bigger scheme of things. now i'm unemployed and though i'm in no rush to get back to a mundane 9-whenever schedule, i hate not being able to help out my parents financially and i'm starting to get anxious that it'll be difficult to find work again. rejection after 3rd, 4th rounds of interviews have been leaving me feeling ridiculously insecure and the voice in my head uses that insecurity to latch on to all other areas of my life. it was to the point that i (dramatically) wondered what the point of my life on this world was at all. meanwhile, an 8 year-old child cries because she wants to live. why am i wasting the life that i'm so generously given binge watching tv shows and pushing off important to-dos? unfortunately, after all this, i have no answer to that question nor do i realistically think i will change tomorrow morning when i wake up BUT i do feel convicted and after having a chat with God, hope to take that changed mentality into the things i do during this period of unemployment. this blog will be a mental receipt of this conviction.
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God, please be with and comfort those that are suffering, that are grieving, that are mourning. Lord, i specifically want to lift up ava lee to you. if your will is that she be with you, let it be done. your ways, although confusing and often times heartbreaking, are still better than our own selfish attempts and desires. help us to understand that. still, we pray for miracles and for mercy and for grace during these hardships, understanding that You are a good good father that loves us dearly. through these understandings, let the trials that you put us through be a fire that shapes us to be more like You.
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