Idiom Idiot

Well. I was just reading through some of my old posts and realized that in my "Just Do It" post, I wrote "retrospect is 50/50" ..............
HAHAHA and none of you asses corrected me on this embarrassing error! Or perhaps there is nobody there and I am just yelling into a void?

Regardless, this particular example only further supports the fact that I am a complete idiom idiot. Seriously. Please do not ask me about idioms. Or expect me to utilize them often. It usually just results in me making an absolute fool of myself (see above).

This title, "idiom idiot," was coined by my ever clever (ha, see what I did there? I may suck at idioms but I'm pretty good at rhymes, eh?) roommate, Eileen Yoon. I think there have been one too many instances in which I tried to be cool and use an idiom in front of her and I just.. butchered it completely. I don't even remember what I said or what I was trying to say but I remember it was bad-- horrible. If I don't just completely make something up, I usually splice one or two together. Hmm, I think once I tried to use the phrase "down in the dumps" (I'm nervous, is that even correct?? Google! Yes, whew) and instead said something along the lines of "down in the dirt", which honestly connotes a completely different meaning. Sigh.

One of the girls I used to work with in Korea messaged me today asking if I could think of another idiom or phrase that had a similar meaning to "kill two birds with one stone" and I was stumped (she needed it for some copy on an account they have in Korea& sidenote: apparently Koreans LOVE idioms and think they're really "American"). Anywaayy, I knew this was a particular Achille's heel of mine and did what any quick-thinking Millennial would do-- I asked Google. And boy, did I find a plethora of stupid phrases. "Have your cake and eat it too!" Wat. If I have a cake I sure as HELL am going to eat it. What else does one do with cake?! Why are you telling me to eat my cake? I also just found one whilst researching that is not only a mouthful but also just complete nonsense: "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" LOL wat x2? First of all, why am I holding a bird?? ..and if its "worth two in the bush" is it saying it equals two in the bush? Or that it's worth more?? Well, for all of you that were wondering (because, clearly, everyone is wondering.. hello void!), this fantastic idiom apparently means that having something certain is better than taking a risk for more and potentially losing everything. So yea, I guess the idiom should really be "A bird in the hand is worth MORE THAN two in the bush." Or, even better, the layman's idiom: "Catching a bird and holding tight to it (without smothering it of course) is better than having a bunch hiding in a bush, free to fly away". And yes, yes, I understand these are not to be taken literally, thus the "idiom" categorization, but I only poke fun because I have to wonder who comes up with these. SERIOUSLY. A doubting Thomas?? Are all Thomases (how in the world do you pluralize Thomas) skeptics?!?!?!? Can you imagine not being a native English speaker and being like "WHAT THE EFF ARE THESE PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT?! BIRDS? THOMAS? CAKE?!?!" LOL. I CAN. CUS SOMETIMES THAT'S HOW I FEEL!! AND I'M A NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKER!!
Why am I caps-lock yelling. I mean no harm, I just really do not understand idioms (I believe my point is made).

On the other hand, I totally abuse parenthetical statements and adverbs. And definitely mix in an unacceptable amount of "internet lingo" with my blogs. Can I be proud of that?

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And now it is just about 4AM. I feel so relieved to get this off my chest.

PS: If you too are plagued with idiom idiocy or just want to brush up on these totally useful literary devices, I highly recommend this site.