Strive

Today I feel like writing a bit more seriously about things that have been on my mind (in other words, you shall now notice the uncharacteristic use of proper capitalization and the occasional highbrow punctuation). This sudden decision stems mostly from stumbling across an old Tumblr post I had written back in March of last year about Kony2012. It was around when the campaign had already been a big thing and the fallout/ controversy had just begun. I seriously mean this with no conceited air but I was kind of impressed with my writing from that post. It was clear, informed, self-assured, and I felt like I could feel the passion that had motivated me to write it. However, I just don't think I have it in me to do that anymore-- to sit down, formulate an opinion, and convey that formulated opinion through carefully chosen words. These days I only make it halfway through any intelligible thought before giving up or losing interest.

SO, today will be my first attempt at taking it more seriously again (note: I don't mean I'm going to all of a sudden start writing stuff literary works of art.. yea right, I'm just going to try to be more committed). I suppose it isn't really the same since this blog is more of thought regurgitation than opinionated writing but we shall make do anyway.
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I've been in an interesting stage of life where I'm realizing and struggling with the fact that it's time to grow up. I'm excited at the prospect but completely oblivious to the gravity of responsibilities that come with adulthood and ignorant about the ways in which I'm expected to adapt. Work, friends, money, family, faith, and self-worth are only a handful of things that are shifting quickly under my feet.

Though I've never liked admitting it, I'm a pretty self-conscious person. Not necessarily in like the typical "omg how do I look" (though honestly, yes, I am often self-conscious in that regard), but more in the fact that I overthink and overcalculate everything. I'm a self-proclaimed people-pleasing zealot and I hate the thought of someone finding me unlikeable. And, to be honest, I thought I was doing a good job at maintaining this likeable facade (lol, I clearly thought too highly of myself) but, being the sinful completely imperfect person that I am, I have undoubtedly been a bitch to many people and I'm entirely certain that there are some people that hate my guts (awkward sidenote: I just misspelled that to "hate my guys" lol). That sucks. But guess what? Growing up requires acknowledging that yes, I'm not (and sadly will never be) perfect and have no hater (not that being perfect automatically means you'll have no hater, even a perfect Jesus had haters). Growing up requires being okay with the fact that some people will hate me. Growing up requires not making a small thing into a huge deal. Growing up requires yielding out of love.

On this topic, I recently made a rather startling discovery that led to some pretty extrinsic confrontation, which led to some teeth gritting and ultimately ended with some uncertain resolution (vague, huh). Though technically the "issue" was resolved, one thing led to another and what-ifs and I-thinks were soon running rampant in the vast fields of my hollow mind. In retrospect, it probably isn't such a big deal and is more just my immense pride crying a river, but even that retrospective epiphany doesn't make it any bit easier for me. After basking in superaggrandized self-pity I suddenly thought, is this something that's worth the effort and the agonizing? Sometimes there is necessary sacrifice and perhaps this is one of those times.. *Cue mental grappling* But I finally concluded that perhaps some relationships are lost, perhaps some are broken beyond repair, but in the end.. we live and we learn.. right? So I gave it up.

Okay, I know, that was the vaguest story ever and omg there was no resolution to that story but, guess what? I yield, you can think what you want!  (LOL.. too far.. sorry) But you get what I mean?? Hopefully? Well, even if you don't I think this post was mostly for my own sake. Writing it out has been surprisingly therapeutic to me.

Anyway, I really wish I could just always live a life like that. One that's unassuming yet confident. But unfortunately this all just comes full circle. I will never perfect this "perfect life". I will continue to struggle, I will continue to be dumb. So instead, I think an appropriate word for this season of "growing up" is strive. Strive is defined as "to make great efforts to achieve or attain something". So fitting. Effort doesn't guarantee results but it sure as hell means you're headed in the right direction. So we strive, we grow up-- until we're in a place where perfection is attainable. Then, we can stop striving and start living. THAT is beautiful.


I shall leave you all with a fantastic Spurgeon devo I randomly came across yesterday. I shared an excerpt of it on Facebook because I loved it so much but it was really hard choosing which bit to share. So here (where I feel peoples' attention spans are, on average, longer) I think it'll be okay if I just put the whole thing.

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"How happy are tried Christians, afterwards. No calm more deep than that which succeeds a storm. Who has not rejoiced in clear shinings after rain? Victorious banquets are for well-exercised soldiers. After killing the lion we eat the honey; after climbing the Hill Difficulty, we sit down in the arbour to rest; after traversing the Valley of Humiliation, after fighting with Apollyon, the shining one appears, with the healing branch from the tree of life. Our sorrows, like the passing keels of the vessels upon the sea, leave a silver line of holy light behind them "afterwards." It is peace, sweet, deep peace, which follows the horrible turmoil which once reigned in our tormented, guilty souls. See, then, the happy estate of a Christian! He has his best things last, and he therefore in this world receives his worst things first. But even his worst things are "afterward" good things, harsh ploughings yielding joyful harvests. Even now he grows rich by his losses, he rises by his falls, he lives by dying, and becomes full by being emptied; if, then, his grievous afflictions yield him so much peaceable fruit in this life, what shall be the full vintage of joy "afterwards" in heaven? If his dark nights are as bright as the world's days, what shall his days be? If even his starlight is more splendid than the sun, what must his sunlight be? If he can sing in a dungeon, how sweetly will he sing in heaven! If he can praise the Lord in the fires, how will he extol him before the eternal throne! If evil be good to him now, what will the overflowing goodness of God be to him then? Oh, blessed "afterward!" Who would not be a Christian? Who would not bear the present cross for the crown which cometh afterwards? But herein is work for patience, for the rest is not for to-day, nor the triumph for the present, but "afterward." Wait, O soul, and let patience have her perfect work." -Charles Spurgeon (http://www.heartlight.org/spurgeon/0518-pm.html)