getting old

it meeee

recently i've been struggling to articulate myself, grasping for words that i can't remember but would be "so perfect for this situation!" SO, i told myself i need to get back to reading & writing. it's been a loooong time since i've actually made it through an entire book. there are books i've been absolutely loving but nowadays i feel like i prioritize work and "having fun" so much more than sitting down and enjoying my books. so the books stay half read.

well, here i am.

last night i was helping my dad with his "resume", which apparently he needs to make as part of his (struggling to find the perfect word here again) application? process? of becoming an elder at his church. first of all, i found it so symbolic and backwards to be sitting with my dad, formatting his resume for him, showing him how to delete the extra rows on a word graph, etc. secondly, MY DAD DOESN'T KNOW HOW OLD I AM. there was a section on the "resume" about family and he wrote 배현, 24 살 and as i was formatting the document, i jokingly gave him shit for not knowing my age. why does 25 feel so different from 24 tho? as i reminded him that i was turning 26 this year, i felt fuuuckin' old all of a sudden. "late 20s".. jesus.

i've been trying to figure out what i want to do with my life. i feel constantly torn between sticking to what i know, what i do (since i'm good at it and it's not horrible), varying just a little so i can find my "niche" within the industry (still something i know but would probably enjoy more), and trying something completely new (either something i totally love but have no experience in or something that i think would make me feel less shitty on a day-to-day basis but, again, have no experience in). what tf do i do??

one of said new roles that i've always been interested in (but have no experience in) is being a editor or copywriter, magazine, digital, whatever. tis a weird profession that has changed and continues to change but, though my nonexistent blog audience says otherwise, i genuinely enjoy writing (whether about these random ass thoughts or actually about a topic im interested in) and don't think im half bad at it. but all these roles i see say "writing samples" or "portfolio" and suddenly i'm like "nah, i'll stick to what i know". cus... im lazy. so, another reason to go back to writing too.

where the hell am i going with this. nvm, i am more than half bad at this.

anyway, besides my own constantly increasing feeling of getting old. today, while helping my dad, now with his headshot for his "resume", i got a good look at my dad's face. i felt like i hadn't looked at his face carefully in years! my dad, who worked / works his ass off to support my family. he looked so... old. his eyelids were wrinkly and sagging, he had a weird dark spot on his face, his cheeks seemed hollower than usual, and his EYEBROW hairs were turning gray. i had to do some mental push-ups to keep myself from crying as i took his picture. all this time i spent freaking out about "getting old" and "what the hell am i doing with my life"-- my dad, forever the strong hero in my mind, was also getting old.

maybe as i get older, i need to work on paying more attention to my dad's face.