hurtz

isn't it silly how humans are so casually self-destructive? it's like there's an innate masochism in our being that refuses peace.

if there's something in our life that has hurt us (physically or emotionally), we can't help but let it haunt us. deep down we know the remedy is to either reconcile it or move on but, for some reason, neither ever seem that appealing.

even when we attempt to fight those ghosts, it's a losing battle. we say, "it doesn't bother me anymore" or "that's not important to me" but even as we speak those nonchalant words, those hurts are resurfacing, being brought to our attention once again as they inflict that familiar pain. the act of nonchalance is but a reminder of the scars that we try to hide.

and what is it about pain that always brings us back? it's as if we're attracted to those things. like a moth is lured to it's firey death, we humans have this tendency to dwell or reminisce on times that were painful, continually reliving that pivotal moment.


while reflecting on 2011 this new year, i realized that i am just like that. i have this unfortunate habit of living in my hurts and sufferings more often than i do in any joy or celebration. as i looked back, i could only remember the hardships i endured and the people that hurt me. when i tried to think back on good times, they seemed so insignificant in comparison. it's not to say there was no joy last year. no, i can think back to a lot of great memories. but that's all they were. for some reason, the joy in my life only appeared as fragmented memories, flitting between the seemingly more momentous troubles that i experienced.
i dunno, maybe the good times just impacted me less..

though i cant understand why i do those things to myself, i'm extremely blessed to have to come to terms with the bigger reason behind the hurt and struggles that i underwent. i mean, growth is impossible without a certain amount of discomfort. i don't ever want to find myself satisfied with where i'm at. when i'm doing well, i'll stagnate, but when i struggle, i'll learn (and inevitably grow). a fire's not comfortable. but it's only in the fire that we're refined and shaped into the beautiful final product that God has envisioned. we grow, we learn, and we are made clean through the fire. isn't that something to rejoice about? (Romans 5:3-5)

honestly, God is so amazing. only He can turn pain into joy and let those hurts shape us into a unique vessel that brings glory to His name.

so though this last year was challenging, i am ultimately thankful and joyful that i was allowed such experiences and such growth. i look forward in anticipation for whatever God has in store for me in 2012.
here's to more hurt, more pain, more suffering, and a greater understanding of what comes with them all.
let's fix our eyes on the bigger picture and the preeminent prize.

cheers.