idle madness.

so lately i've found myself incapable of falling asleep earlier than 4am. for no reason either. im not particularly productive in the wee hours of dawn nor notably overwhelmed by schoolwork these days anyway. simply put, i just cant make myself sleep. and there seems to be no cure, no explanation for this insomnia that has been plaguing me for months now.

it's especially frustrating because while i'm up, i'm struck with an almost suffocating feeling of idleness. im not really doing anything but my brain wont let my body shut down. so i just sit. and when i sit in silence, the thoughts come creeping, and soon my mind runs wild. granted, it's good to think, no denying that. but honestly, at 3 in the morning, my thoughts are just.. a nuisance. coulda shoulda woulda's. what if's. if only's.

it gets to the point where, as the night starts turning to morning, im hit with anxiety. futilely wishing i could just rest and avoid the onset. or at least have a good reason to let precious hours of sleep slip through my fingers.

sometimes i try to force myself to have a legitimate explanation. i open a bunch of documents, rifle through some books, and, oh i dunno, i might write a blog titled "idle madness." but in the end it's all fluff, im achieving very little.. and im still awake.

the worst part? once it hits about 5am i am abruptly exhausted and if i can fall asleep, i am KNOCKED OUT for hours and my day is suddenly wasted while my idle madness becomes habitual.

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i realize that the issue at hand is actually not a big deal and totally a #firstworldproblem that did nothing to further the achievements in your life but, like i said, i just wanted to feel like i was using this time for something and, hey, maybe it'll tire me out and i can sleep at 4:30 instead of 5.