danger

goodness.

so, for those of you that know me, i don't get angry that easily.

for the most part, i let things go. i try to love. i can wallow. i grit my teeth and accept things because i would honestly prefer peace over stupid arguments. i will take passivity over having to deal with drama any day.
i imagine there's a little peacemaker that lives in me. she throws up a red flag when things are starting to look dangerous and tells me to cool off. something in me will say, "shh, it's not worth it, let it go."

BUT,
on rare occasions i will override that red flag. i'll shove that stupid little peacemaker to the side.
this only happens when my buttons are really being pushed. i mean, i can take a certain amount of abuse without complaining but depending on the circumstances and what's being damaged, there is a possibility that i can just blow.

it hasn't happened that often. maybe 5 times max in my life? but dang, when it happens, even i'm caught off guard at the things that come out of my mouth. the amount of fury that i feel. i get so angry that i am literally left shaking.


tonight was one of those rare moments. in retrospect, i feel kinda bad. i hate losing my temper. honestly, before i cracked i was trying soo hard to remind myself to love. love even though it's hard. but things were just not working out. plus, i was not in the mood for jokes. finals tomorrow and friday to study for and this fool was being damn disrespectful.

stage 1: just smile, deal with it.
stage 2: silence, no smiles.
stage 3: hints hints
stage 4: frustration, annoyance, etc. (this is usually when that flag goes up)
stage 5: creeping anger, try to find the emergency brake. anything to prevent getting to stage 7.
stage 6: address the problem
and if that doesn't solve it..
stage 7: *explode*

at stage 6, i try to address the problem as calmly as i can. if the person understands, problem solved, crisis averted. no worries.

but, alas, it was not the case. he goes "haha, michelle's being bitchy right now cus she's stressed"
...
um. excuse me?

*proceed to stage 7* i said things i regret. it was extra irritating because he thought i was joking. i dont think anyone in that room has seen me angry. once i made it clear that i was definitely NOT joking. i forced myself to leave.

i cant believe i had to leave my own room because some idiot.
but yes. now i am studying in peace in someone else's apartment.

i was shocked at how angry i was. as i explained to my friend afterwards, i felt like my heart was running its own little marathon.

and now as i sit here, getting over it, i feel a certain amount of shame for letting myself do that. i held back love from someone that needed it. i let myself succumb to that kind of fury. i wasn't patient.


God, forgive me. show me how to love like You do. HOW DID YOU DO IT?!