trust games.

for some reason it was really hard for me to really organize my thoughts in the last months or so. thus the sparse/ nonexistant bloggage. i had so many things i wanted to write about but they were all deserted and left unfinished. some merely titled.. hehe LOSIENTO:)

buuuuut heyyy i is back!! and a buncha blogs in one weeek! its amaaazing! wooooooooooooooooo. (i was originally gonna say in one month but, alas, tis already april.. where has all my time gone?)

anyway, let's get to the point.

i think one huge thing that God's been teaching me and revealing to me in a lot of aspects of my life is the idea of letting go of comfort and allowing room for God to work.

as humans, i feel like we innately crave comfort. think about it. why do we go to school? because we want an amazing job. why do we want an amazing job? because we want to earn lots of money. why do we want lots of money? because then we can live comfortably, with everything we want and without worries. that's why we love relaxing, vacations, rest!

i've noticed, personally, that i absolutely cling to that comfort, clutching at it when it seems to flit from my grasp. i feel like a kid learning to ride a bike for the first time. im certain that once my dad lets go of me i will tumble off to my death.. even though i'll probably just end up w a booboo on my knee. although with some confidence (and probably balance) i am capable of riding on my own, i dont want my dad to ever let go. the possibilities that come with riding a bike without that comfort of absolute safety are endless. what if what if? i just dont want to risk it. but as we're going, my dad stealthily lets go and steps back as i bike on unaware. im doing it! even without that comfort of knowing that my dad will catch me when i fall.

of course, as soon as i realize, i freak out and fall, vowing never to trust my dad or ride again. i ignore the fact that i had just been riding on my own and choose to focus on what i consider a violation of trust. i wheedle for my dad to start over, holding on again and warn him, if he tries to pull that again..

same goes with life. i'm always relying on comfort and lacking confidence in God's capabilities, as well as my own. when things start to get uncomfortable i immediately retreat back into my bubble. whether it be that whole process i wrote about in the beginning (comfort for my future), meeting new people, or even fearing awkward situations because i think they're uncomfortable; to me, comfort is key. but how far can i go with my dad holding on to me? how fast can i go with him holding on? when he lets me go on my own, i have freedom. and i've been discovering how that freedom is so crucial for God to use in His ways.

granted, without my dad, there is a chance that i'll fall and hurt myself. but every time i fall, i learn to get back on that bike and get where im going. honestly, that idolization and love of comfort became such a roadblock in my loving God and my loving His people as well. though there WILL be cuts and scrapes along the way, those also serve as a reminder that that short-lived discomfort is nothing compared to the pain that Jesus endured for us or the eternal glory that waits.


it's crazy that God's been teaching me so much about this recently because i think it'll be necessary and crucial for things coming up. missions, church, school, and just growing up. missions especially because i KNOW it's not going to be comfortable. im going to be in a country i've never been to, im gonna be in an uncomfortable environment, surrounded by things that aren't familiar. but because i'm willing to step away from what i consider comfortable, God is going to be able to use me to spread His word and the news of His love. similarly, EV, which i tried for the FIRST TIME this semester, was not easy. i remember the first time i went i almost convinced myself out of it three or four times actually stopping in my tracks and thinking of numerous excuses. but i went. and it was so rewarding. it's another way that i can love people more!

it's amazing what God can do when we just take that leap of faith and trust that He will guide us, even if He isn't physically holding onto the back of our bikes. imean, i understand that it isn't easy. forsuuure. its tough because its extremely difficult to understand his instructions. especially because they're unseen, unheard, intangible. but isnt that what faith is? "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1). when we trust in God understanding that He's still watching us as we bike along, THAT is faith. a testament to things that are unseen.

i'm always reminded of the bold fearlessness of His disciples. Jesus literally popped up and was like drop everything and follow me, yo. and they did just that! families, jobs, security. they did that because God is more important than all of that. aiee, the ever difficult predicament of putting God first. WHY is it so hard? you'd think it'd be easy, considering He's our maker and all..

well, i will end here. wow, this post was long.. and unorganized. hopefully it makes up for the empty month of february. ohmy.. i almost deleted half of this post. yes, it is time to stop.

sidenote buuut i think this post only further emphasized how i tend to write blogs better when i am under a lot of academic pressure at school (for instance, paper and exam on monday, another paper on tuesday) BUT, i think this is more important. hopefully my brainbarf can be dissected and analyzed to encourage somebody!

remember: “Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.”- Isaiah 35:4