please hold

while i try to keep up with my brain.

it's really sad because i used to love writing. no, i still love writing but it's become so difficult for me. i'll sit in front of my laptop with ideas for hours and only manage to write 3 or 4 sentences before i give up. honestly, i have a lott of theories as to why. but here are a choice few.

theory#1: the innards of my brain are all mumbo jumbo nonsense, constantly spinning out of control while my body tries to steady itself and still receive commands from my mess of a mind. thus, while my crazy brain continues to spew out thoughts and ideas, i can only keep everything in and mull through my problems in the recesses of my mind while my mouth and hands stay still like dummies. each time i feel like i have tamed an idea to the point that i can logically process it, im hit with a new tangled mess of a thought, waiting to be unraveled.
(aside: is it sad that i cant beat myself? i lose to my own mind.. but then i wonder, what exactly is losing? is my mind losing against itself??)

theory#2: somewhere along the line, i've become less interesting. the blogs i used to write sprang from incidents in my day that cultivated ideas and thoughts but now nothing is that thought-provoking. hmm, or maybe my idea of interesting has been changed? maybe the things that interested me before have changed. or maybe the things that i think are interesting to OTHER people have changed. maybe all of the above.

theory#3: im starting to think too much about the readers of my blogs. im always trying to meet their needs, i want to encourage or edify them by writing these great eloquent blogs about what i've been learning, which is great! but it doesn't mean i cant just write like i used to too. i think that feeling that i always have to impress people is suffocating me and stifling that draw i have for just writing for the sake of talking about my day or something interesting.

theory#4: im just tired. because i'm so closed off and have a hard time opening up to people, writing has always been that outlet. i write things i'd never say. how something made me feel, my thoughts on circumstances, etc. i dont think i realized how ironic that was. maybe that realization is finally hitting me and im even closing myself off through writing.


four theories. many of them are contradictory. and now that i read over what i just wrote, i think you all can get a feel of the state of my mind: unsure, confused, and defeated.


on that note, please hold while i compose myself. i promise i'll write more!