what if.

ugh. i am trying my best to read/ study for comm right now but my eyes are getting all cross-eyed from intensely reading (aka staring at my computer).

or perhaps it has something to do with the florescent lightbulb aimed at my face, which is shining into my eyes from behind my laptop as i type right now. hmm.

anyway, to get to the point, mid-reading i randomly got to thinking about boston. emerson college, to be exact. the college i might have gone to. and thinking about emerson resulted in me going waay back through my facebook inbox and finding a thread that a girl had started after our special "honors fly-in program" back in... april? people had written whether they had decided if they were committing or not, what other school they were deciding between, and ultimately, what school they were going to attend. i'd say a smattering, less than half, of the group officially committed while the rest of us spread out all over the country and said goodbyes and goodlucks.

in retrospect, i still believe i made the right decision in choosing usc over emerson. but i just CANT seem to squash these what if's that are infecting my mind like a virus. i remembered one of the girls, possibly the only girl i REALLY befriended during the program, committed, so i got curious and checked out her blog.
(some background information: emerson focuses on journalism& communications so honestly, i think a lot of the kids are talented writers. throw in the fact that everyone i met was in the "highly competitive" honors programs and, well, you get where im going. this girl is ridiculously talented.)

her blog, which has its own domain, has been featured in magazines, newspapers, even television(!) and she does every aspect of the blog herself. she bakes delicious desserts, takes beautiful photographs of her products, and then eloquently writes about her week or whatever's on her mind, never failing to somehow tie it in to the cookie, cake, bread, or muffin that she's made. seriously, it's crazy. i think her blog also won like best teen blog or something. it has some award. but yea, this is getting offtopic..

so i checked out this wonderful blog and not only feasted my eyes on some beautiful baked goods but also read about her life in boston. honestly, reading about how she had joined the world-famous college radio station, how her classes were all fabulous, and how she was having a great time with her floormates, etc, made me envy her. emerson is quite a place for the aspiring journalist. she was getting hands-on experience with work and newspapers, meeting important people, and learning from the best. part of me wished i were there.

isn't it weird to imagine how different things would have been IF ____? if i had gone to emerson i would probably have a lot of experience with journalism, be more outgoing, have less asian friends (loll, emerson was like.. 2%asian haha), have less student loans/ financial aid to worry about, and be living in BOSTON. wtfreak. however, i also wouldnt have met some amazing trojans, wouldnt have joined kcm, wouldnt have strengthened some friendships with people here, wouldnt be a small group leader at tfpc, and wouldnt have had the opportunity to go home every weekend. weird how one decision could have made me such a different person.

and on that note, today (this is somewhat irrelevant), i was leaving to catch the bus and considered taking two routes. both would get me to a bus stop that would get me on the correct bus but it was just a matter of which stop i wanted to wait at. i decided to take the route on the right, no particular reason, and as i approached the crosswalk i saw the light counting down, i had 6 seconds. plenty of time to cross the street but i figured i was in no hurry so i let it count down as i got near. HOWEVER, as soon as i got to the crosswalk i noticed that my bus was right at the stop. and i was stuck on the other side of street. figures. if i had taken the other route i would have been at the next bus stop with time to spare too. but because i made 2 wrong decisions, i ended up missing the bus. and having to wait about 20minutes for the next one. awesome. hahaha.

isn't it weird how it works like that? this concept has always intrigued me. i mean, for all we know, these small decisions could have been life changing! what if my future husband had been on the first bus, what if the first bus ended up getting into a crazy accident, what if my future boss was at emerson, etc. etc. mind blowing.

and what's even CRAZIER is that God knows all these choices that we make/ we're going to make. he knows how they're going to affect our lives and he knows how everything will work in the end. and even when we doubt our decisions or regret choices we've made, and even when we think things aren't going the way we want them to, everything is okay because God has our lives mapped out and would do nothing to harm us. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." that is soo reassuring. God knows every little aspect and only wants us to do well. all we have to do is trust. trust, and God will guide you.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5

we try so hard to take the reigns from God and brush Him off saying, "i got this, i can do it on my own." but in the end, it's God who determines everything. & it's time we let go of that silly pride and let God take control. i know this phrase is pretty trite but it really gets the point, i think: let go and let God.


conclusion:
though emerson might have made me a crazy journalist and im beyond curious to know what life would have been in boston, i think i belong here at usc. emerson would have restricted me to journalism whereas usc has given me a lot of opportunities to consider other paths and possibilities. it's funny because during the process of picking which school i wanted to go to i had a lot of second-thoughts but God really knew what he was doing when he brought me here. and for that, i am so thankful.

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In his heart a man plans his course but the Lord determines his steps.- Proverbs 16:9