rain on my parade.

they say that a lot of what makes up a persons personality originates from the way they were raised. i never noticed but that's actually been pretty evident in my life. a lot of how my parents raised me reflected into my traits.

there are good things, like my respect for adults, consciousness of my surroundings, and many of my hopes and dreams, but more and more i've been noticing and realizing the negative traits that i've developed while growing up, the insecurities and fears that came along with my aspirations. my parents are typical asian parents, maybe a little more intense. they always push me to be better and try my hardest, which is excellent! but their heads are swamped with stories of other kids' "successes", expectations i cant meet. honestly, while writing this post i tried to think of a time when my parents encouraged me and/or told me they were proud. i couldnt think of a single one. it tears me up inside because i realized that along the way, i also developed a mentality that in order to be happy, i had to make my parents happy. in fact, i found a hw assignment about fears from my 7th grade health class and on the side of fears i wrote, "spiders and disappointing people (parents)". even in seventh grade, i struggled with feelings that if i could just make them proud, please them, i would be allright. but in my mind, i failed every time. even if i DID succeed, all my accomplishments were met with "you could've done better"s or "next time let's try harder"s or "that wasnt your best, was it?"s. when i got a 2260 on my SAT, i was stoked. my parents? they said, "why dont you try one more time and get a 2300." still, to this day, they lament that i "could've gotten a 2300 if i had studied that night instead of sleeping". when i got into usc i didn't get a, "im proud of you". it was "well, i guess you could go to harvard for grad school". my dad told me, that high school was not a success for me and that i should be embarrassed i "only got into USC".

(please note that my parents dont ONLY say these kind of things to me. they are not horrible people. i often like to think that they are just the rain on my parade of life haha. they are awesome parents... they just have a very idealized life in mind for me, i guess..)

i try to be positive about it, apathetic to their discouraging words, but that has only hardened my heart, another trait that i've developed from my upbringing and hate. now i have trouble showing my feelings. i pretend i dont care when i do, and i always act tough and hate seeming weak. i've been raised dealing with those kinds of disappointments and now, on a surface level, they hardly bother me. also, what ive realized is that a lot of my insecurities about myself, my feelings of self loathing have sprung from the words that my parents say. im always reminded of my faults and imperfections by their words and i've become self conscious wondering "is she right? did i really gain weight? does my hair really look bad?" etc. seems pretty trivial, outward appearances and whatnot, but it also applies to my inner appearance. i think "yea, since i didn't get an a in that class, i must be pretty dumb" or "i cant believe i didn't ace that test" etc. honestly, i can only think of a few times my parents have said anything nice about the way i look. its usually "michelle, you would be really pretty if..." i lost weight, i didn't dress one way, if i had nicer skin. the constant reminders do nothing but brainwash me into thinking "theyre right!! i need to do x to make myself better" and if i cant, im an ugly failure.

this was a lot worse for me when i was in middle school and believed that whatever my parents said was the ultimate truth and when i had enough insecurities as it is. now, i can confidently say that i am happy the way i am.. no, maybe not confidently, but i am trying. i have my doubts at times, but overall i try not to let my not meeting my parents' high expectations bother me. i dont need to please them, they are not my judge. it's tough because they are, afterall, my parents and a lot of times, i try to find love from them, through pleasing them. but i just remember that i have an eternal parent who loves me always for who i am. if i strive to please my God, who looks past my flaws and loves me the way he's made me, then i wont develop anymore ugly and self degrading characteristics. i realized how i've almost been idolizing the idea of acceptance from my parents. it's depressing but actually pretty common. i worry and sympathize for others, especially young girls, that have, are, and will have to go through the same thing, and i pray that God will help them realize, as he helped me, that all those feelings are petty and trivial in the scheme of a life with God.



and THIS. is why i am thinking of taking up pastor isaac's offer of being a small group leader.


/////////////////////////////////////////////////////
"God doesn't want something from us. He simply wants us." - C.S. Lewis

"A thousand times I've failed, still your mercy remains. And should I stumble again, still I'm caught in your grace.."- Hillsong's From the Inside Out

"I am Your beloved, Your creation, and You love me as I am. You have called me chosen, for Your kingdom, unashamed to call me Your own." - Mercy Me's Your Beloved