whywhywhy?

as much as i really didnt want to blog about this because i KNOW its just going to be a mess of thoughts, here i am. i wrestled with the idea the whole drive home and i've come to the conclusion that blogging is a cure for my habit of bottling things up. its kind of a candid way for me to just express what i want to express.

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so today, i went to friday night bible study at tfpc (it's been like...5 years) and ohmygosh, i had no idea-- i dont think anyone had any idea-- that we would wind up having such an elucidating discussion.

we were studying different beliefs of religion- atheism, polytheism, deism, etc- and their arguements vs. our arguements. somehow someone brought up a really tough question. i guess he was feeling a bit inadequete as a christian but he basically said he was really confused about what the role of a christian really was. he said he felt like he wasnt christian enough or he wasn't filling the role of a christian appropriately and wanted to know how exactly he could make himself "the ultimate christian". at first, i was a bit irritated because i feel there isnt shouldn't be a particular mold that all christians are supposed to fit into. but at the same time, all the issues he was addressing were things that i myself had asked too. though i also feel like i'm not doing enough as a christian.. or serving to my fullest potential, i also feel that we shouldn't be trying to prove to the world "how christian" we are. like look at me! i put in $50 more dollars for offering than you! or hey world i am the most devout christian because i pray everyday for 8 hours and give to charities and feed the homeless! sure, that is faantastic, keep up the good work! but being a christian isnt about bragging. for all we know, in your 8 hour prayers you could be asking God for self-centered goods, you could be saying the most superficial things. i dont think it's the quantity but the quality. like the story in the bible about the rich man who goes and offers lots and lots of money to God and sees an old woman give an amount exponentially smaller. he feels good about himself, he feels he is the better christian but the money that the woman gave- small as it was- was almost her entire wealth (or was it actually her entire wealth?). the man had only given a small fraction of what he owned. see, i feel like we cant really judge people as good or bad christians- or even humans- by what we see.

we also brought up the issue of how people are starting to treat christianity as a cushion. we rely on God to give us what we want, we rely on God to comfort us, we ask God for forgiveness so that we have justification for our sins and most distubringly, we believe in God because we want that reassurance that there is a heaven for us after we die. though many of us are maybe putting our hands up and stepping back going "nope, def not me. i would never do that!" um, yes you would, and you probably already have. i think because people can't see God, they think of him as an intangible object, an entity to be used, an excuse for their mistakes, and a peace of mind.

there were a lot more questions brought up but i honestly think that if i continued this entry is going to end up being ridiculously long (it's already long) so i'm just going to wrap up with something that i've noticed.

i think that people, as they've gained more knowledge of God and christianity have begun questioning God too much. looking into the problem too much. if we all had the simple minds of children or people with disabilites, there wouldn't be so much doubt. i bring up the disabled people because in my 4 years of experience at Love Ministry at our church (for those that dont know, Love Ministry is the special education ministry) i've learned that they have such a larger capacity of love. when we teach them about Jesus and God, they dont ask things like "but how can we believe this to be true if we cant see God?" or "how do we achieve this 'perfect christian life'?" true, it may be because they cant express themselves as well as we can or dont understand as we do but they have such a beautiful simple way of understanding. for instance, one kid- well, he's not a kid.. he's an adult?- his name is phillip, is the sweetest person you'll ever meet. he remembers everyones' names, always asks about your day, and even gives personalized christmas/easter cards. however, what touches me the most is that he ALWAYS, without fail, reminds you of Jesus' love. he reminds you over and over and over:
-"Michelle, Jesus loves you okay?"
-"aw thanks, and you know Jesus loves you too right?"
-"yea but, well, i just wanted you to know that Jesus loves you Michelle"
-"okay Phillip, i understand"
-"dont forget that Jesus loves you!"
-"....."

at times i get frustrated and i want to yell "PHILLIP YOU ALREADY TOLD ME, NOW GO TO CLASS!" but it just strikes me that somebody like Phillip is so devoted and completely loves God. if i were in his position, i'd be kicking and screaming and complaining to God, asking "why am i this way?" "why cant i be normal?" why cant we just stop thinking and questioning so much and just love? i'm not saying that i'm a perfect example. no, not at all. i know, it's tough to "just love". i guess, their type of love is something that we will never understand.

my fingers are just itching to type type type into eternity buut 1)ya'll will be bored sick 2)i'm going to end up with carpal tunnel and 3)that would be a problem. i honestly congratulate those of you that have stuck it out till here.

talking about religion is such a frustrating but relieving thing. i know that that is completely oxymoronic but it makes sense.
it's frustrating because all the questions are open-ended. there is no correct answer for some things that we ask and there are also some things that we just don't know. i mean, how are we supposed to know how God judges who goes to heaven and who does not? how do we know what heavens like? how do we even know that God exists?! i think that we dont need to know any of these things. just trust and find out later.
trust trust trust trust trust! trust is hard.
but it's also relieving to let the things that have been polluting your mind: your doubts, your fears, your skepticism, these things should just be let out. when you hear what other people have to say and how other people feel, it's relieving. especially because many feel exactly the same way as you. to understand all this is impossible. trying to "figure out" God is confounding. it's a puzzle with no answer.

wheww. i dont even think there are words to describe how i feel right now.