the flow

you know the statement, "go with the flow"

first of all, what the HECK does that even mean. does whoever started that realize that our world is made of billions and trillions of currents?? there is no flow. its like filling a huge bucket and everyone splashing their hands in it at once. there is no ONE flow, you just end up with... puddles.

i've come to realize that everyone is so unbelievably, different.
iknow, its a bit slow on my part. but really when i spend lazy lunches at school people-watching, its so interesting to get a teeny glimpse at everyone's lives.
you see the "cool kids" who seem to look beautiful and collected no matter what theyre wearing or what theyre doing, the "geeks" who sit around programming things into their calculators and talking about warcraft, the "punks" who all wear the same black clothes and use excessive hairgel, and then me& my friends.

yes, i realize that i'm categorizing. how rude of me. but sometimes i just see all these different types of people, all these different lives, and i wonder. where do i fit it? what am i to them?
and most of the time, i wonder what life would be like if i could be in their shoes for a day.

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now i will digress and talk about how i idealize everything and ultimately feel dissapointed with the results.
so, i guess i've been reading too many chickbooks and watching too many chickflicks because i always feel like my life isn't going according to plan.

according to these books, im supposed to be a somewhat normal girl that somehow catches the attention of the perfect boy who has everything you could possibly ask for. and then you guys live life happily, going to school, where NOTHING phases you, working a job, living in a nice house with a really lenient family. when i drive around pv and look at the beautiful huge mansions, i think to myself, if i were in a book i would live in one of these houses. and when i realize that, well, i dont. i feel like it's my fault and i'm sub-par. JUST because i have such silly expectations for life. thats why i also feel i'll never be entirely content. i read these fictional fairytale books and think, that's how it should be. only to be hit by the sad reality that sometimes its just impossible.

and i also look at people like kim yuna and all those young celebrity stars models whatever, and i feel so.... incompetent.
like i should be out there achieving things too.
so once again, im brought to something i've always wished for.
i've ALWAYS wished that there could be ONE thing that i was really good at. something that i was better at than most other people. but no. not only am i ordinary in most things, but im underaverage in some too.
its dissapointing.

and i will end with a quote from a great band, ronnie day.
"it's a long way down, when your hopes are high as mountains..."