provision

God's been providing for me in so many ways these days.

whether it be through extremely encouraging conversations (or even discouraging ones), giving and taking away, or an especially convicting sermon or verse, He's been showing me how everything He does is so so purposeful and well-timed. He even went so far as to literally show me when, in my frustration, i found myself whining, saying, "what are you trying to teach me, God?" and he responded with images so vivid that i couldn't possibly question His plans.

of these visions, one that especially struck me was a scene in which i saw a lump. i have no idea what it was exactly, but it was ugly and formless. fear crept up when i realized that that shapeless, unidentifiable "thing" was a symbol of the current state of my future. instinctively, i wanted to grab the lump and make into something.. anything. but before i could, i saw these great hands take the lump, which now looked extremely small, and just.. hold it. and as i looked at it, i felt that i could stop reaching. waves of relief flooded over me and i felt.. peaceful. suddenly, i realized that those hands were the hands of God and he was carefully holding the future that i thought was mine to make, mine to create, to remind me who the real Creator is and how much more capable He is.

and shoot, when i saw that and caught a glimpse of His greatness, i felt pretty silly. how had i been doubting that God would create a beautiful final product? honestly, He can take that lump of nothing and make it something far more extravagant than i could ever imagine! and there is so much peace in that. it's crazy because if this had happened a year ago, i wouldn't have believed it. if there was one thing that scared me the most, it was uncertainty. fear of not knowing what could happen would paralyze me from making decisions and cause me to stress and worry. but here God gave me no other option but to cling to the cross, understanding that it was the only place where i could find peace and certainty.

oh. please note: these epiphanies all came in series after an almost quarter-life crisis where i felt like someone was pulling my future out from under my feet.

anywhoo, as i mulled over my new realizations, life went on.
these past weeks have been pretty busy.. work, school, internship, family stuff. this past weekend, i actually had a retreat for my internship and it was nuts how even there, God was like "yo, michelle, do you get it now?" after all our meetings, planning, bonding, whateverss, we had free time to just hang before we went to sleep. and somehow the three other volunteer coordinators and i ended up staying up the latest, playing multiple games of pusoy until someone wokeup and told us to shut up. we then relocated and just kinda did our own things (apparently we are all night owls) and as the two guys eventually gave in and went to sleep, i ended up sitting at the table with the other girl. she was a super sweet but soft-spoken girl and though we were close, i couldn't say that i knew anything about her besides that she was a solid woman of God and maybe where she was from and what she studied. even then, as we sat side by side, she was so absorbed in her Bible and as i peeked over at the book she had too, i wasn't surprised to see that she was reading the biography of mother teresa. that's just the girl she is. strong in her faith, a role model. as the night became morning we joked that sleep would be futile at that point and got to talking about random things. &while on the topic of relationships, she ended up sharing her whole testimony with me and i was so shocked. by her vulnerability to me and just with all the hurt and abuse that she had endured throughout her life. i would never have imagined.. but even in the timing that God allowed me to hear how He pretty much put her in a state of desperation for Him, everything she said was, in a sense, familiar.

it's interesting cus we were both at a place in life where God had to strip us of everything, causing us to question if anything from the past was even worthwhile, to show us that He was in control and that yes, through all those lessons, through the hardships, and lost time, He had been walking with us with a plan in mind, making us into the person He wanted us to be (refer back to lump).

we ended up talking till the sun came up, just sharing about the many similarities in our lives and the ways that God had been teaching us the same thing, marveling at the way He always delivers and always provides. and dang, that whole conversation was such a blessing. the whole retreat was, actually.

ahhhh so many good things. God is too good.


edit: HAHA i finished writing this last night and while i was proofreading, i totally ktfo'd. when i woke up i was surprised that i didn't end up erasing everything or typing random nonsense with my head or something but i just noticed that i labeled this post as "hhhhhhhhhhh" HAHAHA.. ok thats all