life with choices is too dang hard

so now that all this college nonsense is completely done, i've got a few honest things to say.

1) rejection letters suck
2) rejections suck
3) i felt very rejected

whew, i'm glad i got that off my chest haha.

so this whole experience has been interesting for me. i went in with a devil-may-care attitude, applying as impossible majors to impossible schools and telling myself 'ohyea im really not gonna care about rejections'. HA. i honestly DID think that... until i got my first rejection letter. let's see, first rejection: UCLA. i think i was a bit shocked? maybe i thought too highly of myself, but i had a feeling there was a good chance that i'd get into UCLA. my GPA isn't perfect but it's pretty decent and my SAT scores are solid too. also, my UC essays were my favorites and i only had to submit two SAT2 scores (i did well in lit and math... not as much in ushistory) so i felt secure with what i had for LA. buut, i guess i was overconfident and i dont think i'll ever forget the disappointment that came with that letter.
following UCLA's letter, i was hit with waves upon waves of "we regret to inform you"s. none hurt as much as the first but there were a few zingers among them as well..

i ended up only getting into a few schools of the 11(?)ish that i applied to? but being thick skinned, i took the rejections full on and remained impervious to the constant influx of the schools' attempt at a kind "NO!". then one day i happened upon my little college notebook where i had, over the span of right before junior till senior year, dutifully written notes on universities i was interested in and eventually the universities i applied to. i had pages where i ranked them and had explanations for each ranking, pages where i just doodled the name of the university lovingly, and pages where i put deep thought into whether i should apply to college x or not. i think that's when my walls started to crack. masochist that i am, i added another list. i listed the schools i got into next to the schools i got rejected from and the ridiculous lopsidedness caught me off guard. after that day, i took it upon myself to note how "everyone else" got into the schools that i couldn't get into and hate myself.

then came one of the most bittersweet days. seconds after getting rejected from my 2nd favorite school, i got into a school i'd never really considered. i had been anxiously waiting for the mailman to check if i had a letter from, i think colgate university? and when he pulled up i 1) wanted to maul him for taking his time and 2) had to hide because i had actually been stalking him from about a street down.

i opened the mailbox and was ridiculously jittery to see a thick envelope. i thought "I GOT INTO COLGATE!" and ripped up the envelope only to be staring at a huge USC seal. i actually managed to doubletake, drop my cellphone, smash my foot, and drop some junk mail at the same time.. it was impressive. to say i was ridiculously surprised would be quite the understatement. i had applied to usc like i had applied to all my california schools: in whichever major so pleased me, no regards to whether it was impacted, impossible, or extremely competitive. because i had my mind set on an east coast school, i figured mightaswell for all of my california schools. i applied as a communications major at annenberg, which is a pretty amazing school for comm, and didnt think i'd get in. also, i just never put much thought into sc... no idea why. so after showing my mom and being happy i glanced over at my computer where my email was still open from 2ndfave college's rejection and i noticed that i had a new email.. oh crap, from my 1st choice school. i had NO idea it was coming out early! i checked with little hope and lo-and-behold. rejected.

so that day i got rejected from my top 2 schools and into a school that i liked but never really considred. odd.

now, with all my rejects/accepts done, i realized that i kind of have no place to go but usc. dont get me wrong, i wasn't bummed that i "only" got into usc, nooooooo.. i was super grateful to usc, i almost wrote them a thank you card for saving my butt. i had mixed feelings. but what i've come to realize is i am SO grateful that i didn't really have a choice. for anyone that knows me, i am EXTREMELY indecisive and afraid of making the wrong choice. i truly believe that God brought all these rejections with a plan in mind. imean, what were the odds that a day that could have been the WORST DAY OF MY LIFE was significantly improved by acceptance to the school i will now be attending? that acceptance packet definitely eased the blow. and now, while everyone is having a tough time trying to figure out where they want to go and what they want to do, i am set. plus, i am absolutely in love with usc. i visited yesterday and annenberg has everything i could possibly want and more. &i am secretly excited to be close to home (iknow, this contradicts all that i've been saying for the last 2 years). every day i get closer to graduation, i get more excited for college and i cant help but think that things would have not ended up this way if i had got into other schools.

and even when i think back to my UCLA rejection i remember all the bad news came while i was at church for friday night bible study. haha... it was tough and i kept it together until peter asked me what the news was (he knew i went to check). i wanted SO badly to just be chill about and maybe make a joke about it and i TRIEEED to laugh it off but then. i started crying... in front of people. lol. if you know me, you know I DONT CRY. sheeesh i hate crying. but i did..
however, in retrospect, i realized that what better place is there to find comfort than at church? peter helped me and after i stopped being a baby, i came back to worship and it was eerie how relevant the message and praise was to what i went through. peter played Your Beloved and i almost started crying again -__- haha.


anyways, this is getting longwinded and im sure there are a lot of digressions that dont make sense. lo siento.

IN A NUTSHELL: though it's been tough, i am extremely grateful to God for amking my life so much easier. someone told me before i started my apps that its more stressful to pick from the 123892183 schools you got into than get rejected from a few schools you wanted to go to. the way he worked in my life through this trecherous process is mystifying but i appreciate it so much:)


thank you God!