tribute

i think i've only just come to terms with the fact that in a month (or even less) i'll know exactly where i'm going to college.

i was so caught up thinking about the summer and my plans AFTER high school, that i completely skipped over and disregarded, well hmm, the rest of high school? and maybe graduation?? it's really really weird because i always told people-- and myself-- that during grad while everyone cried i would be just beaming with happiness. i was SO sure that at the end of high school i was going to be like TGI.. O? (thank God it's over, loll) SO LONG HIGH SCHOOL! buut no.

i've got a lot of mixed emotions about grad: excitement, regret, sadness, fear, hopefulness, curiousity, to name a few. odd but fear is one of the most prevalent feelings in my mind. i fear leaving a place that ive become so accustomed to and starting all over, i fear having to be alone after 17 years of being in such good company, i fear leaving my family and friends, and most of all, i fear that i'll change/ forget about the people i leave behind. and whenever "a chapter of my life ends" i think to myself, dang, i'm never going to be able to do this again. like 8th grade grad. i remember taking pictures whee funfun and then i just thought. my only chance at middle school just ended. wow. and it's like exponentially more significant in high school yaknow? buut im just going to let go of what regrets i have cus really? what can i do.

and all this i realized last night. OF COURSE, when i decided i was going to go to sleep early. i ended up thinking of all this and going to sleep at my usual 1 am... sigh. then i got nervous that i wouldn't remember it so i jotted everything down on an envelope that just so happened to be by my bed.

i think what might have sparked it was music? yaknow when you're listening to your ipod on shuffle and you hear that one song that you, oh idunno, listened to loop over and over while you sweated and toiled over your college apps? haha. and then that song suddenly just whooshes you back to that moment in time and you can almost feel that same frustration and stress. yea, well i had one of those moments. and i was like WOAHH. how weird, college apps are behind me. haha, late reaction? yes. buut i feel like there was so much buildup about that ALL throughout high school. like "OMG when you're a senior youre going to have to do all these apps it's going to be so hard!!" but once youre done, it's just... done. it's like when you get super excited about going to disneyland and so the whole week you're looking forward to it. then you go, come back, and theres nothing to look forward to. except.. you wouldnt really look forward to college apps.. so i guess... nevermind.

anywaaaays, all this weird nonstalgic reminiscing brought back a flurry of memories (and subsequently, emotions) and i felt like i was watching my life as a slideshow of captured moments in my head. twas interesting.

AND DUDES! GOING BACK TO MY FIRST SENTENCE. IN LESS THAN A MONTH I WILL KNOW WHICH SCHOOL I GET INTO! holy moly. i am so excited to get my letters. rejections, i welcome you with open arms. sure, i will be bitter/ a bit disappointed but hey, it helps me narrow down right? ;) and idunno, i've just been giddy. GIDDY! i wish they'd come out sooner!!

hum, i am not sure how i got onto this tangent/ these tangents... what was i even writing about?

ohyea, i just wanted to say:
highschool, i never thought i'd say this but.. thanks. thanks for the memories and umm, i think i might kinda miss you.