i'm looking for...

1)Direction: i am absolutely aimless. all my meticulously planned out ambitions and goals have evaporated. i'm not talking about spiritual purpose or anything. more like, my role in the world(?) i wish i had a freaking awesome skill of some kind, wouldn't life be easy? buuut no. i have no idea what kind of career i want to pursue, what major i want to study, or even where i want to go to school in the fall. i guess this leaves me no choice but to put everything in the hands of God.

--sidenote to that,
i find it kind of confusing to say that i'm "leaving it all up to God" or "putting it in His hands" sometimes it just seems like a oh-well-i-dont-wanna-do-anything or like a way of getting out of your responsibilities. i know there's a difference between full faith and simply using God as a cushion but sometimes it's impossible to differentiate.

2)Patience: ah, the ubiquitous vice-o-mine. i know, i usually just kinda poke fun at my ridiculous impatience but i, seriously, need to be more patient. when i deal with friends, my family, myself, strangers, ANYONE. i've been discovering these days, that with a little bit of patience, it's a lot easier to think clearly and logically which, inturn, can lead me to not make rash decisions/ have bad judgement.

3)Peace: my knack for masking emotions and putting on a complacent face + my absent-mindedness (and phase-y thinking? mm, how to explain... sometimes i forget what i'm worried/mad/stressed about and have spurts of OHWAIT! CRAAAAP) really makes me seem like a happy 'sallgoood! (and insane, if we think about my spurts? loll) type of person but these days i've been going through a lot of crap. everything has been do this! do that! why cant you do this? why cant you be like this? help your brother with his hw! his grades are your responsibility! pick him up! drop him off! can you do this? ohwait, do this! no, do this! why arent you doing what i told you to?! be perfect! WHY CANT YOU BE PERFECT?!! sigh. and it's not like i dont try to do everything that people expect from me. sometimes it's like, i do everythingggg and forget one part. and instead of noting all the things i DID do, it becomes a "why couldnt you do that? you're useless!" in the midst of all this, i earnestly hope to find peace and just contentment. a song that helps me get through this: By The Tree's Your Beloved

4)Motivation: being a second semester senior and all, i've become soo lazy. i really hope and pray that while i have my fun, i also stay motivated in school and life. i want to get back in the habit of jogging at night and... doing my homework (oops). i'll also need a ton of motivation to finish my gold award, my internship application, and scholarship apps. gahgahgah.

finally,
5)Kindness: i'm trying my best to be more accepting of other people, trying to understand those that i never really bothered understanding and just kinda put in the "dislike" pile. it's pretty pathetic that i struggle with kindness but it's something that i really want 100% of. i wish i could be that one person, who's just nice and accepting of EVERYONE. the type of person that though there may be people that he/she doesnt particularly love, he/she is still kind to them.
such a distant goal...