a father's love. the Father's love.

i've been meaning to write about this for like a month. i've started and scrapped numerous posts due to lack of conentration and/or the inability to find the right words.
so today i will make myself finish. because i have lots of homework today. and spending time on blogs is a reasonable thing to do when one has lots of homework!

getting to the point...

a father's love. i think it's a type of love that is inexplicable.

my dad is probably one of the coolest people you will EVER meet (but in a subtle way). he's this big 6 foot tall bulky man that always looks like he wants to punch something/ someone. well, not really. but he looks pretty intimidating. my friends call him the asian shwarzenegger minus the intensive body building. can you picture him now? haha.
anyways, though he LOOKS scary, he acts like a little kid. he thinks it's funny to shoot rubber bands in my face while i'm trying to do my homework and he used to dangle me and my older brother upside down by our ankles when we were little.. for fun. he's also cracked my brother's sternum from HUGGING him too tight. that has to be the ultimate example of my dad. he's a fun dad.
but i digress, though his scary demeanor paired with his deep voice and pokerface is interesting, it's his love that is really confounding.

my dad's love is simple. i think with most fathers, along with mine, hearing things like "i love you" is rare and treasured. it's different from a mom's love. mom's nurture and discipline, they openly love you and make sure you know. dads... i dont know. their love is obvious but subtle. oxymoron, yes. but you get what i mean? there's no doubt that dads love their children just as much as moms, but it's really discreet.
also, it feels so much worse when my dad is disappointed with me. maybe it's because he almost never gets upset? my dad is really easygoing and rarely gets truly angry (kinda like me). there is a certain point that, if you pass, he will unleash his wrath on you, but that point is far far away. overall, my dad is very accepting of people's faults.

example.
recently, my little brother eric, got an f in his english class. he's kinda been having a tough time transitioning into middle school and his grade just got slaughtered because he'd forget to bring homework from his locker or he didn't write down his homework. when my mom found out. it was CRAZY. she was super upset because i dont think she understands that it is possible to get an f. she's an asian mom. anyways, she basically killed poor eric. so when we heard my dad's car pull up i saw him kinda shrink. but when my dad came in, he just gave eric a hug and told him "i love you".
i was absolutely shocked. at first, i was super jealous because hearing those words was such a rarity. then, i felt bitter. when i was in middle school, i got an A- and both my parents were on my case for weeks! so, being the annoying middle child that i am, i asked my dad why he was so nice to eric when he got AN F, while if it were me in his position i would have been kicked out and disowned. he was really straightforward with his response. he said, i would have been disappointed with you if you got an F because i KNOW you have the potential to get an A. however, eric's different and he needs help right now.

and i understood. right then and there, i realized how a father's love is a lot like THE Father's love. understanding, compassionate, and forgiving. you don't really hear "i love you" boom down from the heavens every day. but you just know. by looking at how He created you, the world He created FOR you, you know He's got to love you a whole lot. God also doesn't have set expecations for everyone. He understands your imperfections and flaws. just like fathers show their love for their families by working hard everyday and earning money to live, God worked hard for all of us too. He sacrificed his Son! that intensity of sacrifice is something ive never been able to grasp.

also, disappointing both your earthly father and your real Father hurts. true, it feels bad to disappoint ANYONE but it's different to see your dad upset. i think it might be because no matter what you did, they STILL accept you. i've discovered that i hate when somebody's upset with me but they put on their brave face and say "it's okay. you'll do better next time" or somethign like that. it just makes your failure seem that much worse. i dont know why either. well, God is the same. when we sin, we know that God forgives us, no matter what. is it just me or does that make you feel rotten? being forgiven that easily makes you feel.. i dont know the word. ashamed? guilty? i sometimes wish i could get a reprimand of some type. masochism? i think not.

just an observation that i made :)


i wish writing college essays were this easy.