restoration.

before i write todays musing, ima give a quick rundown of my day.
i woke up at 8:53 to the sound of my still-groggy mother yelling at us that we were late. and late we most definitely were. i had to get to school by 9:00 to take my practice SAT subject tests. so we rushed the heck outta there and got to school around 9:10, luckily they started around 9:15 after two grueling tests i went outside to go home only to realize that my brother had abandoned me. so i went home with paik and picked up some 김(seaweed) so we could make spam musubi. we made lots of musubi, some ramen and ate while watching the korean music awards thingy. then i rushed to calculus (late again- but it didnt matter as much) and retook my practice ap test, which was a joke considering he let us use answer sheets, and then went home. i dawdled for a good 4 hours. and then at 6 i went to TFPC for their revival. oh and my brother abandoned me again T.T but then he had to come back. SUCCKA. loll
and so my story begins.

at 6 oclock, i went to TFPC's revival. i wasn't expecting much. infact, i kind of feel uncomfortable at TFPC after all the happenings so i wasn't excited at all, not to mention i was also super duper pissed off at my brother for consistently abandoning me and snapping at me. i was going mainly to hangout with paik (i know, shame on me). and when i got there i caught up with my friend colin, who is super outgoing (kind of TOO outgoing) but he said "hey, we're at church, if we cant be ourselves here, where CAN we be ourselves?" and that really got me thinking.

we went through some good praise and then at worship a new guest pastor named uhh ... i forget his name. something yoo, i feel like it started with a C? whatever. anywhoo i was pretty dissappointed by his sermon. it was unbelievably long and he just talked and talked about random, rather silly, stories. i couldnt help but wonder what he was getting at. nothing really connected with God or anything religious. he would stick in some random sermon-y stuff but still. it was kind of excruciating. and i have this problem where if i start to feel 답답해 i cant breathe well so i have to take deeeeeep breaths. and so i was doing that.

finally when the pastor finished his sermon he asked us to come forward and kneel if we wanted to commit to changing our lives to follow God. i felt a bit insecure. i wondered do i REALLY want to commit? or will i just do it cus everyone else is. what if im the only one that doesnt go up? but i finally decided. i would at least TRY to live a new lifestyle that was more focused on God.

when i moved up and kneeled, i started to pray and reflect. the pastor told us to pray to God about how we wanted to change our lives, and instead of living with the goal of reaching perfection but the goal if doing what He wanted us to do. he had also talked in his sermon about how sometimes we tried to change our lives into what WE thought was better. he compared it to walking into a surgery and advising the surgeon to put the tendon here, the heart there, etc. why are WE questioning the professionals? God is the surgeon, we are the body, and we should not be telling the one who knows what he's doing about HIS job. anywhoo, i digress.

while i was kneeling, i thought of my life now, and how pointless it was. and somehow, i couldnt stop tears from falling. my life is so monotonous. i lived to study and do well in school, listen to my mom, be perfect, i always yearned to be this, jealous of that, and most significantly, i challenged God a lot. if my life has been made to serve God and go to heaven, who am I to question my maker? as i reflected more and really prayed. more and more tears just came spilling out. and im not one that cries very easily. i shocked myself. when all the teachers came around and sat next to us with their hand on our shoulders and blessed us and prayed for us, i cried more. who was i to deserve this kind of blessing? i was a sinner, a christian that didn't live accordingly. but God was giving me another chance. he was letting me restore my life.

after that, he let us pray for our friends and bless them. that made me feel REALLY awkward at first. what could i possibly say about my friends? did i REALLY know my friends anyways? but i decided, what use was there to be shy now? and i just got up and found my friends and really prayed that God would restore their life, like he had just restored mine. i thanked God for colin's seemingly insignificant quote which made me really think. and then all too soon, it was over.

we ended with some great praise and i felt soo... rejuvenated. i was smiling and jumping and singing as loud as i could with my hands in the air. and i couldn't help but feel like this is how it should be. i thought of how angry i had been at my brother and felt terrible. i prayed that God would help both of us change. for me, being more understanding and for him, being more considerate. besides, he's leaving in a couple of months. i know that when he's gone i'll miss him a lot.

and with all the happenings in that mere, what, 2 hours? i was indeed restored. cleansed. and now i hope to life my life the fullest. correctly.



finally, i got dropped off at home with paik& hyunjean. and hyunjean and i walked home together and finally caught up and chatted. i haven't had so much fun with hyunjean in such a long time.
it really made me realize how strong our frienship really was.