loneliness; tragical

Loneliness is at the American core, a by-product of a long-standing national appetite for independence:

The Pilgrims who left Europe willingly abandoned the bonds and strictures of a society that could not accept their right to be different. They did not seek out loneliness, but they accepted it as the price of their autonomy. The cowboys who set off to explore a seemingly endless frontier likewise traded away personal ties in favor of pride and self-respect. The ultimate American icon is the astronaut: Who is more heroic, or more alone? The price of self-determination and self-reliance has often been loneliness. But Americans have always been willing to pay that price.

—–

“Is Facebook making us Lonely?”- The Atlantic

loneliness- one of many topics that came up when meeting up with old friends over break. i'm always grateful for time spent with some childhood friends because i feel like friends that have known you that long have this deeper understanding of who you are as a person underneath the superficial appearance you may create. also, this break i realized and was blown away by how smart and thoughtful my group of friends from high school are. like i can casually have a deeply profound talk with any of them about life and faith and anything in between. i miss that.

i've been thinking about how nice it is to have meaningful conversations. not just that the topic at hand is meaningful but a conversation where the person(s) you are talking to are actively listening and not just waiting to chime in with their own opinion. am i the only one that thinks being contentious is a strange trend these days.

blue

once in a while i find myself feeling very very sad.

not really for any reason.. or maybe for every reason? i dunno. and then i wonder if it stems from an unappreciative / ungrateful heart and i feel bad, especially since i don't have a ton of "real life problems" to be upset about- my family is great, my friends are great, i live comfortably, i'm healthy. but still... i feel sad.

do you think it's just normal for people in their mid 20's to feel this way? or is it a product of our coddled generation being faced with the reality that life doesn't always go the way you imagined? i'm positive i'm not the only 20something that currently feels this way but i don't imagine my dad, at 26, had much time to be sad.

the worst part of this "sad" is that i'm not really sure what would make me un-sad. especially since there isn't really a root issue, persay. it's not like "success" or "a sense of fulfillment" would be a cure (although those do sound nice) and then i wonder if people who i think are un-sad are truly happy and i'm not sure either?

maybe i'm not sad at all. maybe i'm just confused. isn't it crazy that emotions like "sad" and "happy" are basically pre-programmed into us when we're born?

on the flipside of said current state of sad- while sitting in the back of a car and looking out the window the other day, i realized that other onces in a whiles i feel an overwhelming sense of peace and contentment just looking outside. like sometimes it feels like everyday life and all the sad blinds me from just good ole "im alive" and "look how beautiful it is". like i'll look at the sky and the stars and realize they are jarringly great- like a quick breath of air before going back underwater.

underwater is regular life. and sad.

getting old

it meeee

recently i've been struggling to articulate myself, grasping for words that i can't remember but would be "so perfect for this situation!" SO, i told myself i need to get back to reading & writing. it's been a loooong time since i've actually made it through an entire book. there are books i've been absolutely loving but nowadays i feel like i prioritize work and "having fun" so much more than sitting down and enjoying my books. so the books stay half read.

well, here i am.

last night i was helping my dad with his "resume", which apparently he needs to make as part of his (struggling to find the perfect word here again) application? process? of becoming an elder at his church. first of all, i found it so symbolic and backwards to be sitting with my dad, formatting his resume for him, showing him how to delete the extra rows on a word graph, etc. secondly, MY DAD DOESN'T KNOW HOW OLD I AM. there was a section on the "resume" about family and he wrote 배현, 24 살 and as i was formatting the document, i jokingly gave him shit for not knowing my age. why does 25 feel so different from 24 tho? as i reminded him that i was turning 26 this year, i felt fuuuckin' old all of a sudden. "late 20s".. jesus.

i've been trying to figure out what i want to do with my life. i feel constantly torn between sticking to what i know, what i do (since i'm good at it and it's not horrible), varying just a little so i can find my "niche" within the industry (still something i know but would probably enjoy more), and trying something completely new (either something i totally love but have no experience in or something that i think would make me feel less shitty on a day-to-day basis but, again, have no experience in). what tf do i do??

one of said new roles that i've always been interested in (but have no experience in) is being a editor or copywriter, magazine, digital, whatever. tis a weird profession that has changed and continues to change but, though my nonexistent blog audience says otherwise, i genuinely enjoy writing (whether about these random ass thoughts or actually about a topic im interested in) and don't think im half bad at it. but all these roles i see say "writing samples" or "portfolio" and suddenly i'm like "nah, i'll stick to what i know". cus... im lazy. so, another reason to go back to writing too.

where the hell am i going with this. nvm, i am more than half bad at this.

anyway, besides my own constantly increasing feeling of getting old. today, while helping my dad, now with his headshot for his "resume", i got a good look at my dad's face. i felt like i hadn't looked at his face carefully in years! my dad, who worked / works his ass off to support my family. he looked so... old. his eyelids were wrinkly and sagging, he had a weird dark spot on his face, his cheeks seemed hollower than usual, and his EYEBROW hairs were turning gray. i had to do some mental push-ups to keep myself from crying as i took his picture. all this time i spent freaking out about "getting old" and "what the hell am i doing with my life"-- my dad, forever the strong hero in my mind, was also getting old.

maybe as i get older, i need to work on paying more attention to my dad's face.

in a day&age where it's "trendy" to have an opinion or rally around a cause.. how do you stay genuine?

charlottesville

posting here because it feels weird / contorted to think out loud on facebook and i'm not even too sure what i think right now.

it's mindblowing to me that shit like this is actually happening. but like, not surprising in a "i didn't see that coming" way and more like "i cant believe it finally happened" sorta way.

as a female and a minority, i dont find it too difficult to figure out which "side" i agree with. but i find it increasingly difficult to figure out the proper way to react. my gut feeling is fury, frustration, heartbreak, fear... but it also doesn't make much sense to use those kind of feelings to combat people that literally do not give a shit about what i think. but at the same time, why cant i be mad? why is it wrong that people are out there giving these racist mofos a piece of their mind? i feel like it's literally a human instinct to hate "the bad guy". but how does that make us different from them? i also feel a twinge of curiosity to understand what exactly crosses these peoples' minds to make them feel so entitled, threatened, angry, and twisted. i've been reading a ton of interviews and watching clips and i see a lot of the "alt-right" protesters saying things like "it's our land" and "we need to keep things safe from the others" etc. and i just dont get what possesses them to truly truly believe that. nobody that was around during the era of "the founding fathers" is alive to feel that kind of possessiveness. plus why does "having an ancestor" that founded this country matter? isn't this country founded on freedom and equality? do these white nationalists not treat guests in their homes? i feel like my personality wants so badly to just hear them out but there is literally 0 sense i can make of it, which really leaves me feeling just plain confused and angry. but then what do we do with people like this? the left cries out that everyone should be accepted. a sentiment i agree with. regardless of whether my neighbor is gay straight black or purple, what business is that to me? or wait, should it be my business? how do i balance my beliefs with this? but then if that's the case, do we also accept these psychotic people? where's the line? if not, what do we do with them?

i truly dont get. but i also know for a fact that i dont want to sit here and let hateful people have their way because 1) their beliefs basically puts a whole lotta people (and basically everyone i hold near and dear) in danger and 2) a hateful world seems extremely backwards.

and i promise you that im not a emotionless robot, im really just treating this as a way to digest my thoughts. i really think i just cant wrap my head around that fact that there are people that are actually like that.

and another note. im not sure how to treat this topic. obviously i speak out about what i believe. but i feel like there are so many voices that are making this a black v white argument. and no, i'm not pulling a freakin #alllivesmatter card right now. when it comes to white nationalists, neo-nazis, and the kkk, it affects a whole lot of people and i think im just as justified to speak up about the anger and fear i feel. i might not understand it as well as other people, but it's still real to me. dont shut people down because "they dont get it like i do".
it also is a difficult balancing act to speak up and also continue with my life. legit 3 hours ago i was thinking about my japan trip and posting pictures and reminiscing and then i stumbled upon this vice video and felt compelled to share. the self-conscious voice in my head whispers "people are gna see your post as fake... you literally just posted glorified pictures of your #privilege #benefit vacation". but then am i not allowed to think of other things? it's kind of like the ageold how soon is too soon dilemma. i understand this issue is huge and it weighs heavy on my heart, but i don't think people judging people for their thoughts makes much sense. so i decided whatever. 

lastly some misc. candid thoughts:

- do white nationalists never travel outside the states? i feel like it'd be a bit hypocritical of them to enjoy a different nation or really anything that's not from the us. if they're gna be selfish with "their" nation, then they don't deserve to own anything from china, eat any ethnic food, or travel the world. what a shitty life.

- is it an ethics thing? what a pickle. how do you lift up your platform of free speech and equality and justice for all while hating on (hateable but still..) people? how do you balance that??

- what is a Christian's role in all this? despise hate, love all? be biblical and be against "sinners" and what is wrong? how do i judge that??

ugh.